Texas Pete heats up seniors

Years ago, Mom almost died from a bleeding ulcer. She's never been a huge fan of really spicy foods, but she has been known to get an upset stomach from taking medicine without eating something. After she was in skilled care a few months, she formed a few friendships, and usually eats meals with the same women.

One day, mom asked if I would pick up some hot sauce for her at the store. Surprised, I asked why; she said that one of the women liked it. 

Sometimes talking to mom is like getting details from a five year old. 

I prodded more and learned that one of Mom's friends keeps a bottle of Texas Pete in a holster on her walker. She uses the sauce daily, and evidently provides her own. Mom has noticed that several people will used this friend's sauce at different times, but never offer to replace or replenish the woman's supply. It seems that Mom wanted to pay homage to the woman's generosity while demonstrating how someone with good manners would not take advantage of that generosity.

I can appreciate my mom wanting to do something nice for someone; however, her reasoning and gesture was somewhat questionable.  I suggested that if Mom wanted get the woman at gift at Christmas, we could consider that option, but to buy a bottle out of the blue seemed a bit obvious.

Also, in an effort to prove that not everyone engages in martyrdom,  I mentioned perhaps the facility provided the bottle, and because the woman likes it so much, they let her carry it around. Texas Pete is not something commonly put on the dining room table for haberdashery by the elderly. Surely, though, they kept it in stock along with other condiments.

Mom wasn't completely satisfied.

Finally, I told Mom that she need not get involved in the hot sauce debacle and said, "Mom, the woman is an adult. If she wants to share her hot sauce, she can.  If she feels she is being taken advantage of, she can say 'No.' If her family thinks she is running through her supply quickly, they will check on it. For all you know, she has a whole case stashed in her closet."

Mom conceded, but I knew she was upset with me for squashing her visions of a high noon hot sauce shoot out against the varmints squatting on her friend's proprietary vessel of elixir. 

Martyrdom

In caring for the people we love, caregivers will fall into self-destructive behaviors. We exhaust ourselves from stress, worry and overexertion, or we feel guilty for being angry, tired, and not doing a "better job." In between the excessive anxiety, we sandwich in work, children, grandchildren, maintaining our homes, or stress because we aren't able to coordinate all these things. We don't eat right, we don't sleep well, we don't go to the doctor when we should because we already spend time there with our loved ones. The guilt and pressure are unending, yet we drag them around like we are loaded jackasses.

I certainly do not claim to have the magic answers, but there are a few things that I try to remember, making the burden a bit lighter.

1) Take care of thyself FIRST. If the caregiver gets sick, the house of cards falls. Eat right to keep up your energy, nutrients, and avoid headaches! Rest or your body WILL wear out. Get medical attention when needed. An ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure.

2) Breathe! When we stress, our breathing becomes shallow, our muscles tense up, we get headaches, and our thinking clouds. Five minutes on the deck, backyard, or in a favorite corner can be an oasis when the soul needs rest. Take a deep breath in through the nose, exhale slowly out the mouth.

3) While breathing, stretch a minute. Stand or sit up straight, lift your shoulders towards your ears, relax; lift again. Now, roll your shoulders in a circle, rotate forward a few times, then backward. Make a fist and then stretch out your fingers. Repeat several times. Look straight ahead and bring your chin to your chest - feel the stretch down your neck and spine. Bring your head up, tilt your right ear towards the right shoulder, then the left ear to the left shoulder. All movements should be slow and painless.

4) Take responsibility for your own feelings. This may be hard to believe, but it is true: No one "makes" you feel like you do. Reactions are learned and we can unlearn them. Do not allow your loved one to manipulate your own behavior. By taking a step back, and viewing a situation objectively, we are less likely to lose our tempers or become upset. When a child throws a tantrum, the parent can get angry, or be matter-of-fact. Generally, by the parent being in control, the child calms down. The same is true for those we care for. (I did NOT say treat them like children - the issue is about the caregiver's behavior!).

5) Don't be a martyr. There's a saying, "Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood." No one expects a caregiver to be a robot or to be perfect. Life is still happening and you have every right to be a part of it. Everything does not have to be done perfectly; if you are anal about how things are done, admit it, and get out of the way when others try to help! I have learned to close my eyes and be thankful that I have help. I have even said, "It's my problem, not yours, so I will leave you alone - call me if you need me."

6) Ask for help; share the load! If a friend says, "tell me what I can do," take him or her up on the offer. Can the friend stay for an hour while you pamper yourself with a bubble bath? Maybe she will do your laundry or cook a meal - even just having someone help fold towels one day makes the burden lighter. If they haven't offered to help in a while - ask anyway!

7) Even far away family members can help. My sister lives 700 miles away and said, "If I can ever do anything ..." I've held her to it, and she has come through! When mom was selling her home, I was overwhelmed with other issues like taking her to various medical appointments, tying up lose ends at the house, and filing my father's will with the local courthouse. My sister has worked for attorneys and real estate agents, so when questions arose about negotiating the best offer, I called Deborah and said, "Handle this!" She made the calls, gathered information, and clarified points that mom had misunderstood from the real estate agent. Together, the three of us were able to make sound decisions in selling mom's home, and the stress was off of me. My sister was pleased that I included her, and actually needed her. Deborah also makes an extra effort to call mom regularly, and, thankfully, backs me up when mom complains about my being bossy!

8) Don't lose yourself in the process. We get so overwhelmed at times that we become machines. We will never have regrets if we don't vacuum the floor or leave a few dishes in the sink. We will regret the times we didn't sit and have a good laugh with our loved ones, or didn't take time to share stories, read, or see a good movie together.

9) AARP has great resources for caregivers. Spend some time at their website.

10) Take time for you! It is possible if you follow a few of the steps above. By taking time for you, you will feel better and can be a better caretaker for yourself and the one you love.