Ma Bell

Mom has a phone, and she's not afraid to use it. She may not have the same skill set she once had, but she manages to plunder through. She has her own land line in her room at the skilled care facility. She had a cell phone until she lost it. I'll save that explanation for another post.

She rarely answers her phone, and I'm not sure if it's because she is not in her room at the time it rings, or if she doesn't hear it. Another reason could be that the handset doesn't get recharged because she forgets to put it back in the cradle. As a result, her voice mailbox stays full, and she can't remember to dial *88 to retrieve the messages.

Actually, the full mailbox is just as well - it seems her friends that call do not understand that I only recorded the message they hear. For some reason, they believe they have called me instead. They leave messages like, "Oh, Iris!  I didn't know I called you ... Well, anyway, would you let your mother know I called? This is ____.  Thank you.  Oh and I hope you are doing well!  Byeeee!" 

Other messages usually are from solicitors for things Mom doesn't need. I think Life Alert finally stopped calling after I answered the phone while there. "No thank you - we are paying through the nose to have a call button by her bed."
Recently, Mom called me late at night, several nights in a row.  I stay up late, so that's not a problem. However, her reasons were odd. She called to remind me of something that I had already taken care of, and another call was just to make sure I was alright. Then, she'd want to chat a while. Talking with Mom is like conversing with Darth Vader. I know she can't help having COPD, (though it was her fault she smoked like a steam engine for 50 years) but it is very frustrating to hear the air from her oxygen blowing into the phone, combined with her breathing through her mouth. As she talks, she gets out of breath, so her talking becomes more labored. The depletion of air intake has a direct correlation with her cognitive abilities. The more she talks, the less reasoning capability she has.  It's a vicious cycle.

My sister called the other day and said that Mom had called while my sister was out and left a message. "I know this is terrible to say, but the message was ..." Deborah paused.  

"Funny?"  I asked.

"Well, yeah," she said. "The first thing I heard was 'sschhhllllllllllhhhhhhhh.' Then, 'ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..'"

"Yup, that's Mom," I chuckled. 

After another second or two, Mom starts puffing our words like a bingo machine ejecting balls. "Deborah - Call me -- when you get a chance. - Thank you - This is your mother."  Mom punctuates her messages with "This is your mother," as if we wouldn't have a clue to her identity otherwise. 

If there was a way to have the "Imperial March" play every time Mom picked up her phone, I think I would look forward to her calls more.

Texas Pete heats up seniors

Years ago, Mom almost died from a bleeding ulcer. She's never been a huge fan of really spicy foods, but she has been known to get an upset stomach from taking medicine without eating something. After she was in skilled care a few months, she formed a few friendships, and usually eats meals with the same women.

One day, mom asked if I would pick up some hot sauce for her at the store. Surprised, I asked why; she said that one of the women liked it. 

Sometimes talking to mom is like getting details from a five year old. 

I prodded more and learned that one of Mom's friends keeps a bottle of Texas Pete in a holster on her walker. She uses the sauce daily, and evidently provides her own. Mom has noticed that several people will used this friend's sauce at different times, but never offer to replace or replenish the woman's supply. It seems that Mom wanted to pay homage to the woman's generosity while demonstrating how someone with good manners would not take advantage of that generosity.

I can appreciate my mom wanting to do something nice for someone; however, her reasoning and gesture was somewhat questionable.  I suggested that if Mom wanted get the woman at gift at Christmas, we could consider that option, but to buy a bottle out of the blue seemed a bit obvious.

Also, in an effort to prove that not everyone engages in martyrdom,  I mentioned perhaps the facility provided the bottle, and because the woman likes it so much, they let her carry it around. Texas Pete is not something commonly put on the dining room table for haberdashery by the elderly. Surely, though, they kept it in stock along with other condiments.

Mom wasn't completely satisfied.

Finally, I told Mom that she need not get involved in the hot sauce debacle and said, "Mom, the woman is an adult. If she wants to share her hot sauce, she can.  If she feels she is being taken advantage of, she can say 'No.' If her family thinks she is running through her supply quickly, they will check on it. For all you know, she has a whole case stashed in her closet."

Mom conceded, but I knew she was upset with me for squashing her visions of a high noon hot sauce shoot out against the varmints squatting on her friend's proprietary vessel of elixir. 

Salt and Predilection

The advertising phrase "When it rains, it pours" has been around almost 100 years, signifying Morton's Salt will not succumb to the elements of humid or damp weather. The words of the ad are, in turn, used more than the original proverb "It never rains, but it pours" to signify how troubles seem to occur in excess. If salt clumps in a shaker, a few grains of rice added to the non-Morton's salt can remedy the problem.  A few grains of salt, however, can perhaps remedy the excess of troubles.
Mom, who lives in a skilled care facility, called me the other day asking if I had any rice and could she have a couple of tablespoons. The salt had clumped up in the shaker at her usual table in the community dining room, and she thought she would add a few grains of rice to all the shakers. I told her I'd bring some rice, but after giving the issue thought, realized the simplest solution was to ask the staff for a different shaker.
On my next visit, I explained to Mom that bringing in rice from an outside source is not considered sanitary, would be a health code violation, and that all she needs to do is ask for a replacement.  She acknowledged I was probably right.
Rather than focus on her own needs and ask for help when she needs it, Mom prefers to fix everyone else's problems. While this seems altruistic, her contrived notions of healing the world, or at least all the problems - real or imagined - on her wing of the facility, leaves me with the task of negotiating with her. Even though she may understand my logic at the time, she later will comment on how I won't let her do what she wants.
In dealing with the salt issue, I found irony in how I often am dealing with multiple "Mom" issues, hence, when it rains it pours. Yet, if I take the troubles or Mom's antics with a grain of salt, I find them much easier to handle.
Even more intriguing are the salt related idioms that can apply to caregivers:
Rub salt in a wound - Often felt when the one in our care points out any deficits in the care we give.
Salt of the earth - The humble caregiver who needs to recognize his or her own value.

Writing ... again

Starting this blog was something I wanted to do for myself as well as to share insight with others. Unfortunately, when my mother discovered my blog, and I found myself defending my posts, I set my efforts on the proverbial back burner. 

Mom's situation has changed, and though she is still living, she is less likely to stumble on my musings. Too many times, I've said, "I need to write this down," and didn't.  So, armed with fodder and feeling somewhat autonomous, I am going to fluff up the pillows in my imaginary window and write.

The return

When I started this blog, I didn't tell my mother about it because I knew she'd think I was writing her life's story. I hoped that she'd not find it, and knew that there was nothing to be ashamed of if she did. Still, when she did discover it, I brushed it off nonchalantly while feeling like a teenager caught with porn under the mattress.
I took a hiatus, but feel drawn to writing about the issues surrounding the aging process, the fears and hopes I have, and the number of wonderful stories shared by various people I have worked with and friends I have known. So, I'm back - and Mom - if you read this, I love you!
Speaking of mom, I have mentioned before that I had high hopes for her retirement years, yet she has withstood so many setbacks. It seems that when she is just recuperating, she gets hit by another malady.
During the last quarter of 2009, she was able to get long overdue physical therapy to help her gain strength and balance for fall prevention. She diligently worked out three times a week with a therapist in the fitness room of her independent living center. Her sessions ended in January, but the benefit was remarkable. Mom felt the best she has felt in almost two years; her balance was better; she even has shoes that help her balance, are comfy, and attractive.
Then she was hit with a bout of bronchitis. A round with a Z-Pak helped, though the cough lingered. Mom complained about her breathing, but I never really made a connection. I attributed the problems to weather, overexertion, and other issues. Kudos to mom for taking the initiative to make an appointment with her lung specialist. Fortunately they had a cancellation and were able to see her quickly. During her visit, the doctor declared Mom had "extreme bronchitis" and took a chest x-ray. She was put on a stronger antibiotic and steroids. The next day, the doctor's office called and confirmed: mom has pneumonia.
I was kicking myself for not picking up on the symptoms sooner, but thanks to my sister for reassuring me that I did nothing wrong. Still, it's hard not to beat myself up for not being at mom's more. I think about things I could do to be more in tune. I envision writing everything down on a calendar so that I have a visual map of mom's complaints, medication changes, doctor's appointments, falls, dietary intake -perhaps even have her record her output and the dog's stats as well! While that is hardly realistic, I am plagued with "what ifs" and "should haves."
At the same time, I admire mom's perseverance. She feels like crap, but she keeps trying. She's a fighter; she has her own goals, things she wants to accomplish, and activities she enjoys. Today, my son and I went to mom's with pizza and the movie "G-Force." Mom wanted to see the flick when it was in the theatres, but we never could seem to find time to get there. I was determined she'd see it, so I rented it.
The movie and pizza were good - the time with mom was priceless.

Define Caregiver

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Anyone with an ounce of humility often scoffs when called a caregiver. "I am only doing what I am supposed to do," or "I love my (parent, child, spouse), so of course I'm going to do what I can" are the typical responses. So how does one know if he or she is a caregiver?
Definitions vary, but the common thread is, if you are caring for someone in some way, that aids in their well-being, you are a caregiver. Assistance may come from near or far, may be done in your home or the loved one's home, may be provided 24/7 or only on occasion.
Care usually involves helping a person with tasks that are typically done independently. Tasks can range from checking in by phone, running errands or shopping to cooking, cleaning, handling documents and bills, or aiding in day-to-day physical care needs. The amount of time and tasks done related to caregiving are as varied as each individual.
Caregivers vary in age depending on who they help. A child may actually take on the responsibility of seeing that a parent with mental illness, alcoholism or drug addiction receives necessary care. A parent may have to care for needs of a physically challenged child. An adult may check in on a neighbor regularly by carrying mail or a newspaper to the door. Others may care for an aging parent by ensuring the environment is safe and that the parent is cared for in his or her own home or some level of facility care.
Regardless of your caregiving status, take pride in knowing that you are not just doing what you are supposed to do. Accepting the title of "caregiver" doesn't mean you do something because you have to; you do it because you love the other person.

Martyrdom

In caring for the people we love, caregivers will fall into self-destructive behaviors. We exhaust ourselves from stress, worry and overexertion, or we feel guilty for being angry, tired, and not doing a "better job." In between the excessive anxiety, we sandwich in work, children, grandchildren, maintaining our homes, or stress because we aren't able to coordinate all these things. We don't eat right, we don't sleep well, we don't go to the doctor when we should because we already spend time there with our loved ones. The guilt and pressure are unending, yet we drag them around like we are loaded jackasses.

I certainly do not claim to have the magic answers, but there are a few things that I try to remember, making the burden a bit lighter.

1) Take care of thyself FIRST. If the caregiver gets sick, the house of cards falls. Eat right to keep up your energy, nutrients, and avoid headaches! Rest or your body WILL wear out. Get medical attention when needed. An ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure.

2) Breathe! When we stress, our breathing becomes shallow, our muscles tense up, we get headaches, and our thinking clouds. Five minutes on the deck, backyard, or in a favorite corner can be an oasis when the soul needs rest. Take a deep breath in through the nose, exhale slowly out the mouth.

3) While breathing, stretch a minute. Stand or sit up straight, lift your shoulders towards your ears, relax; lift again. Now, roll your shoulders in a circle, rotate forward a few times, then backward. Make a fist and then stretch out your fingers. Repeat several times. Look straight ahead and bring your chin to your chest - feel the stretch down your neck and spine. Bring your head up, tilt your right ear towards the right shoulder, then the left ear to the left shoulder. All movements should be slow and painless.

4) Take responsibility for your own feelings. This may be hard to believe, but it is true: No one "makes" you feel like you do. Reactions are learned and we can unlearn them. Do not allow your loved one to manipulate your own behavior. By taking a step back, and viewing a situation objectively, we are less likely to lose our tempers or become upset. When a child throws a tantrum, the parent can get angry, or be matter-of-fact. Generally, by the parent being in control, the child calms down. The same is true for those we care for. (I did NOT say treat them like children - the issue is about the caregiver's behavior!).

5) Don't be a martyr. There's a saying, "Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood." No one expects a caregiver to be a robot or to be perfect. Life is still happening and you have every right to be a part of it. Everything does not have to be done perfectly; if you are anal about how things are done, admit it, and get out of the way when others try to help! I have learned to close my eyes and be thankful that I have help. I have even said, "It's my problem, not yours, so I will leave you alone - call me if you need me."

6) Ask for help; share the load! If a friend says, "tell me what I can do," take him or her up on the offer. Can the friend stay for an hour while you pamper yourself with a bubble bath? Maybe she will do your laundry or cook a meal - even just having someone help fold towels one day makes the burden lighter. If they haven't offered to help in a while - ask anyway!

7) Even far away family members can help. My sister lives 700 miles away and said, "If I can ever do anything ..." I've held her to it, and she has come through! When mom was selling her home, I was overwhelmed with other issues like taking her to various medical appointments, tying up lose ends at the house, and filing my father's will with the local courthouse. My sister has worked for attorneys and real estate agents, so when questions arose about negotiating the best offer, I called Deborah and said, "Handle this!" She made the calls, gathered information, and clarified points that mom had misunderstood from the real estate agent. Together, the three of us were able to make sound decisions in selling mom's home, and the stress was off of me. My sister was pleased that I included her, and actually needed her. Deborah also makes an extra effort to call mom regularly, and, thankfully, backs me up when mom complains about my being bossy!

8) Don't lose yourself in the process. We get so overwhelmed at times that we become machines. We will never have regrets if we don't vacuum the floor or leave a few dishes in the sink. We will regret the times we didn't sit and have a good laugh with our loved ones, or didn't take time to share stories, read, or see a good movie together.

9) AARP has great resources for caregivers. Spend some time at their website.

10) Take time for you! It is possible if you follow a few of the steps above. By taking time for you, you will feel better and can be a better caretaker for yourself and the one you love.