grandchildren, maintaining our homes, or stress because we aren't able to coordinate all these things. We don't eat right, we don't sleep well, we don't go to the doctor when we should because we already spend time there with our loved ones. The guilt and pressure are unending, yet we drag them around like we are loaded jackasses.I certainly do not claim to have the magic answers, but there are a few things that I try to remember, making the burden a bit lighter.
1) Take care of thyself FIRST. If the caregiver gets sick, the house of cards falls. Eat right to keep up your energy, nutrients, and avoid headaches! Rest or your body WILL wear out. Get medical attention when needed. An ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure.
2) Breathe! When we stress, our breathing becomes shallow, our muscles tense up, we get headaches, and our thinking clouds. Five minutes on the deck, backyard, or in a favorite corner can be an oasis when the soul needs rest. Take a deep breath in through the nose, exhale slowly out the mouth.
3) While breathing, stretch a minute. Stand or sit up straight, lift your shoulders towards your ears, relax; lift again. Now, roll your shoulders in a circle, rotate forward a few times, then backward. Make a fist and then stretch out your fingers. Repeat several times. Look straight ahead and bring your chin to your chest - feel the stretch down your neck and spine. Bring your head up, tilt your right ear towards the right shoulder, then the left ear to the left shoulder. All movements should be slow and painless.
4) Take responsibility for your own feelings. This may be hard to believe, but it is true: No one "makes" you feel like you do. Reactions are learned and we can unlearn them. Do not allow your loved one to manipulate your own behavior. By taking a step back, and viewing a situation objectively, we are less likely to lose our tempers or become upset. When a child throws a tantrum, the parent can get angry, or be matter-of-fact. Generally, by the parent being in control, the child calms down. The same is true for those we care for. (I did NOT say treat them like children - the issue is about the caregiver's behavior!).
5) Don't be a martyr. There's a saying, "Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood." No one expects a caregiver to be a robot or to be perfect. Life is still happening and you have every right to be a part of it. Everything does not have to be done perfectly; if you are anal about how things are done, admit it, and get out of the way when others try to help! I have learned to close my eyes and be thankful that I have help. I have even said, "It's my problem, not yours, so I will leave you alone - call me if you need me."
6) Ask for help; share the load! If a friend says, "tell me what I can do," take him or her up on the offer. Can the friend stay for an hour while you pamper yourself with a bubble bath? Maybe she will do your laundry or cook a meal - even just having someone help fold towels one day makes the burden lighter. If they haven't offered to help in a while - ask anyway!
7) Even far away family members can help. My sister lives 700 miles away and said, "If I can ever do anything ..." I've held her to it, and she has come through! When mom was selling her home, I was overwhelmed with other issues like taking her to various medical appointments, tying up lose ends at the house, and filing my father's will with the local courthouse. My sister has worked for attorneys and real estate agents, so when questions arose about negotiating the best offer, I called Deborah and said, "Handle this!" She made the calls, gathered information, and clarified points that mom had misunderstood from the real estate agent. Together, the three of us were able to make sound decisions in selling mom's home, and the stress was off of me. My sister was pleased that I included her, and actually needed her. Deborah also makes an extra effort to call mom regularly, and, thankfully, backs me up when mom complains about my being bossy!
8) Don't lose yourself in the process. We get so overwhelmed at times that we become machines. We will never have regrets if we don't vacuum the floor or leave a few dishes in the sink. We will regret the times we didn't sit and have a good laugh with our loved ones, or didn't take time to share stories, read, or see a good movie together.
9) AARP has great resources for caregivers. Spend some time at their website.
10) Take time for you! It is possible if you follow a few of the steps above. By taking time for you, you will feel better and can be a better caretaker for yourself and the one you love.
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A martyr, somehow I have an inkling that maybe I have a bit of that illness! Someone from the Aging and Disability said I was proud (of all I do for mom etc., no one can do it better then me!) That kind of ruffled my feathers a bit, but if I take a serious look at myself I can in fact find that sucker lurking inside me lol. My biggest thing was asking for help, I didn't know how to and was afraid of the "no"! I still need to write about that, but have to mull it over some more!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone! You have every right to feel proud of the efforts made and energy you put forth. At the same time, you can't beat yourself up if you don't meet your own expectations. We are our own worst critics, and we abuse ourselves. If someone says "no" to a plea for help, that is their right. Most of the time, however, we don't ask because we may expose our own vulnerabilities. We have to learn how to accept the gift of help. I'll be interested in reading more about your experience!
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